God spoke "Be Still"

"Be still this day and thank God for fulfilling the promise to send Jesus. In the stillness, allow the light of God to break gently over you."

Tonight, I changed my facebook status to say: "By the tender mercy of our God, the dawn from on high will break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace.” Luke 1:79 ♥ Thanking God for the peace that Christ brought to earth. Joyful that I can celebrate that during Christmas, and every day!"

I haven't felt that way all day though, actually, it's a recent development.

First, I'd like to say real quick that it is so nice to be able to be up this late and NOT be doing school work! (Though I still wish I was more healthy and responsible and in bed already.)

Anyway, lately I have felt a tug on my heart. God wants to spend time with me, and I'm making the decision to avoid it. Which is terrible. 3 weeks ago over thanksgiving break, I spend a lot of time in prayer and reading scripture, I knew God was working on me and I wanted it. Then came finals and I got caught up in the busyness, knowing that I desperately needed to spend time with my Savior. I said I would during my "relaxing" Christmas break...

yeah. Now that I have been on break for more than a week, I have been all too successful at avoiding this quiet time with God. But tonight, He got a hold of me.

I have been in a weird mood lately. Struggling with being optimistic and joyful. Wanting to deny self realizations, wanting to shy away from change. AFRAID of how things could end up. I have been contemplative though. Which all makes for a giant mess in my brain. Thankfully Christ has kept me sane and the Holy Spirit gives me peace. I take advantage of this though, and for this I feel terrible.

I guess this past week I have been struggling with self confidence. And I know why. I know that I always begin to doubt myself and get down on myself when I am not spending time with my creator. It is when I begin to compare myself to others because I am not getting satisfaction through Him. It is when I start wondering off this path, and then wander where I am. It is silly. It's a dumb cycle, but I do it to myself because I am human, and we are all stupid.

And then I know that I could solve these feelings of self doubt by spending time in the word of God, by looking at the solid foundation I can stand on. But I don't. Because I'm afraid of the other things that will happen. The ways I will need to face my sin. The way that I will need to admit to God, the things that he already knows. I don't want to face the changes I will need to make.

And then, God uses other means to get to me. You see, there are some things that are just so.. I don't know what word to use to describe them except that they hit me hard, they stir something deep in me. I get uncomfortable. And I have to turn to God. I have to look to my Father and say, Lord, I need you with me. It comes when I try to create this balance, but I guess I'm learning that it is not so much a balance as it is just a Way of life.

I have written and deleted this paragraph like 4 times now. I am going to be ambiguous, because I know what I am taking about and its hard to articulate. Tonight, and the past couple nights I have been hangin out with some friends. Seeing them, and the distance they have placed between themselves and God, hurts me. And it is what hit me. I care so much about these people. I am so sorry that they are hurting. I am so sad that they are lost. And it is so real to me this time. This darkness that they are in has never been so obvious to me, and it has never bothered me so much. And it makes me wonder, doesn't it bother anyone else?

And this is how God worked in me tonight. First, I had to turn to Him with this aching, because He is the one who hurts even more than I. And because of my coming to Him, feelin weak and empty, I was able to be thankful for the fact that I can and do even still come to Him, because my friends dont. I am soooo thankful that God has made His peace so real to me! I am comforted by His Love and know that I have an eternity to look forward to Him guarding over me. I need thi security. Also, because of all this, it has shown me that I cant try to balance Life and God seperately. What God spoke to me tonight was to BE STILL. He wants me to just stop. To rest, to be still. I have been busying myself with avoiding Him. I have been worrying about my friends, I have been thinking about soooo many things. When all He wants, and all that matters, is that I BE STILL. I can be still and know that He is God. He came to earth so that I may be able to have peace, and be still, standing in His light. The light Christ brought to earth.

I just thought that was such a perfect thing to be reminded of so close to Christmas. We get so busy, wrapped up in other thoughts and worries. But if I would just take the time and Be Still, to bask in the warmth He provides in the cold of the winter, none of these other thoughts or things that don't really matter, wouldn't.

So In my stillness, it is my hope, that the light of God would gently break over me, and I would experience Christ, in my life. His light shining in and through me, that I may know TRUE Joy and Peace this Christmas, and for the rest of me life.

I am so thankful to God for all that He has done for me. I need to work on optimism, which I think affects and is affected by my Thankfulness.