dirty feet.

Right now I am sitting on a futon which is becoming my bed for the next week and a half. My feet are really dirty, my hair is gross and in a bandanna, i have hemp bracelets on, a shirt that was my sisters and kevins sweatpants that were too small for him. I find this kind of funny. I feel like a hippie, mostly because of the lack of showering and hair do. Lately though, my life has been pretty... simple? I really dont do much and kind of have no choice but to be laid back and go with the flow. Some of which I'm happy about and some of which makes me really sad and irritated. Some things that irritate me are the weird noises coming from outside, (no idea what it is), the fact that a girl from our staff just randomly moved in to our house. Meghans lease is up the the end of this week and we're all moving out in two weeks. Why it was neccesary to move her in now, and boot me out of my bed is beyond me. It really kinda pisses me off but I know I would be helping no one by doing anything about it so for right now I am suckng it up and dealing, while having a bad attitude about it and really struggling with being nice to this girl. I know I am having major run on disfunctional sentences right now... oh well. Also, my boyfriend really hardly ever calls me. I really want to stop caring, because that would just work out better. But for some reaosn I cant seem to stop or just when I do he decides act like a boyfriend again. I hate this a lot because I love and care about him so much, i hate being upset with him and I really dont want to be, but its very hard. I've been kinda sad today, I have this whole situation with the new roommate, and I miss my family, and he's not sensitive to it and/or doesnt care so hes not even here or available to talk to about it. Which is probably why I've resorted to wirting on here.
There really seems to be a shortage of people to talk to these days. I feel like a few many people feel like this and that would probably explain the increase in people going to see counselors. Not saying this is wrong at all, I just think people want someone to talk to. I kind of think its sad that, we now have to pay people to let us talk to them rather than having enough community with and care for one another to be available to talk. I'm probably being hypocritcal writing this, I'm gonna make more of an effort to be available for others to talk to. I'm really mad at myself right now because I have been neglecting time spent with God. It seems I'm always so tired, or there arent the right "enviroments" but its really important because its really what I need in order to make myself feel like these days are worth going through.
man this sounds depressing. but really, its just reality. sorry.

ok well im gonna go cause im really tired and this update is stupid.

self realizations.

I am coming to realizations about myself. It kind of weird because you'd think you know yourself pretty well... but I'm just starting to learn some things.

I've noticed more this summer my distrust in others.

I'm learning that there is a lot more has happened in my past than I've ever admitted.
I'm affected by a lot more things than I realize and/or confess to. I'm seeing, and I dont think I can even fully see, the things that have made me think, feel, and act the way I do now.

Because of unforgiveness I can be scared, bitter, anxious and emotional.
Because of regret I will feel sad.

Because of low self esteem or little self confidence I can sometimes be jealous, stressed and fearful.

And I learned something new today. I always thought that the verse in 1 John (I think) that says "perfect love drives out fear." meant that when we love others we can love them so much they are no longer so fearful or hurting. But I'm realizing that can apply to myself also. When I love myself I can ease my fears. When I have confidence in who I am in Christ, I am so much more capable of the things He has called me to be. First I have to be comfortable in my own skin.

sometimes I think thats the hardest thing.

So anyways, I just came to many of these realizations. And I want to think about them more. I want to come to terms with a a lot of things, resolve the past so I may feel refreshed and whole.

I am just so tired and I feel that way most of the time. I feel that partially it is because of stress and anxiety. I don't want it to be this way, and neither does Jesus.

hopefully this is the first of more frequent updates!

Kevin and I have been together, officially five months, today! Really we've been practically dating for more like, 9 months, but... we're not counting that. It's really kind of odd though because I have not seen him for almost two months. Its crazy how much fonder (it really is a good word to describe what it is I'm trying to say) I have grown of him since we've been apart. There are plenty of times that I get upset, usually because we don't get to talk all that often, but I still have to say that I am so happy with where we are, and where he is. He has grown ssooo much this summer. Honestly, it puts me to shame. I want both of us to grow so much. I want us to be our own person who has been created in the image of God with a divine purpose and plan from God, well I mean obviously we both are those things, but I want each of us to embrace that. To live like that, to live for the best that God has for us and not to hinder or sway one another with our stupid humanness. Often when I wonder if this is truely what God wants, if we are doing the right thing by being together and being committed to eachother, I look back at so many mistakes we've made as individuals and together, and wonder, how could it? I have been a terrible person. I have made so many stupid choices and acted in such terrible ways, and so many times Kevin has witnessed it or been a part of it. He knows so much about me and seen the ugly and bad. It really makes me wonder how we are still together sometimes. In some ways it makes me think wow, are we just that stupid that we overlook these things and continue ignorantly? And in other ways it makes me think, wow, this is a picture of our brokeness and God's grace. That we can have grace for eacother and that God can still have grace for us to have blessed us and still keep us together. I still question what God's will is. But I am also peaceful about it because truely want to do things better. I am more aware and conciencous because of how intimacy with another person makes your faults to much more obvious, and I really really want to do better. Those words sound so lame. And I know that it takes humility. It takes dying to myself and my wants and chasing after Christ's who's work is done by and through the Holy Spirit and is always in service and love for another.

I have been very retrospective lately, I've just been thinking about where I am now, and why or how I got here. I've kind of been upset with myself because things seem really hard for me lately, but I think its because of my perception. I have been struggling spiritually, I have not been as close to God as I have been in the past. I think its because all the things I'm seeing and have seen are making me bitter some how. I dont want to be bitter, and I mean I'm not terribly bitter or hardened. But its just like.. I used to have this very like, passionate relationship with God. and I had a passion for what He wanted and reaching out to people. But since I've gone to college it seems that yes, I have fallen even more in love with Him, I have had moments where I am just astonished by Him, but it is not a daily thing. It is not as passionate. And I think it is because of doubt caused ny feelings of hopelessness. My faith has been shaken. Because before I was in more of a bubble. I knew of things going on outside of it. But I had so much joy inside of it and I saw so many oppurtunites for change that it didnt affect me as much. Now though, I guess after being exposed, going on missions trips, seeing many close friends falter, and living in the city this sumer, I guess I have just lost some hope.

I have put myself in a place hoping that being here I could make a difference and see some light amongst darkness, but instead I have not seen much hope or light and instead of acting on faith and continuing, I am letting myself get dragged down and become complacent with the way things are. Which is never ever good. Complacency is the worst. I truely believe this is a very spiritual problem. I feel that is possible that I have sort of built this wall, because of being ashamed and unbelieving I have put this wall up between me and God. not a big one. but either way an obstacle is prevent me from recieving the fullness of God and His Spirit. My pride needs to be broken, I need to let go of guilt and feel very unworthy but Loved. I need to take hold of God's promises and claim His grace for myself. I know this is what I need. It is the fear of the fight ahead that prevents me from continuing this journey onward.

"Many christians, unfortunately, settle for the easy road. They choose the acceptable over the exceptional, the paved highway over the rugged trail. However, those who choose the way of excellence experience the greatest views and the most memorable journey." - John C. Maxwell

'He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?"
- Micah 6:8

On a lighter note, my sister is coming to visit me today. I need to get a shower and go to the bank before she comes. She is taking a bus downtown and I am meeting her there. So I must get a move on with my day!

This was a much needed entry. I need to write more.