God spoke "Be Still"

"Be still this day and thank God for fulfilling the promise to send Jesus. In the stillness, allow the light of God to break gently over you."

Tonight, I changed my facebook status to say: "By the tender mercy of our God, the dawn from on high will break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace.” Luke 1:79 ♥ Thanking God for the peace that Christ brought to earth. Joyful that I can celebrate that during Christmas, and every day!"

I haven't felt that way all day though, actually, it's a recent development.

First, I'd like to say real quick that it is so nice to be able to be up this late and NOT be doing school work! (Though I still wish I was more healthy and responsible and in bed already.)

Anyway, lately I have felt a tug on my heart. God wants to spend time with me, and I'm making the decision to avoid it. Which is terrible. 3 weeks ago over thanksgiving break, I spend a lot of time in prayer and reading scripture, I knew God was working on me and I wanted it. Then came finals and I got caught up in the busyness, knowing that I desperately needed to spend time with my Savior. I said I would during my "relaxing" Christmas break...

yeah. Now that I have been on break for more than a week, I have been all too successful at avoiding this quiet time with God. But tonight, He got a hold of me.

I have been in a weird mood lately. Struggling with being optimistic and joyful. Wanting to deny self realizations, wanting to shy away from change. AFRAID of how things could end up. I have been contemplative though. Which all makes for a giant mess in my brain. Thankfully Christ has kept me sane and the Holy Spirit gives me peace. I take advantage of this though, and for this I feel terrible.

I guess this past week I have been struggling with self confidence. And I know why. I know that I always begin to doubt myself and get down on myself when I am not spending time with my creator. It is when I begin to compare myself to others because I am not getting satisfaction through Him. It is when I start wondering off this path, and then wander where I am. It is silly. It's a dumb cycle, but I do it to myself because I am human, and we are all stupid.

And then I know that I could solve these feelings of self doubt by spending time in the word of God, by looking at the solid foundation I can stand on. But I don't. Because I'm afraid of the other things that will happen. The ways I will need to face my sin. The way that I will need to admit to God, the things that he already knows. I don't want to face the changes I will need to make.

And then, God uses other means to get to me. You see, there are some things that are just so.. I don't know what word to use to describe them except that they hit me hard, they stir something deep in me. I get uncomfortable. And I have to turn to God. I have to look to my Father and say, Lord, I need you with me. It comes when I try to create this balance, but I guess I'm learning that it is not so much a balance as it is just a Way of life.

I have written and deleted this paragraph like 4 times now. I am going to be ambiguous, because I know what I am taking about and its hard to articulate. Tonight, and the past couple nights I have been hangin out with some friends. Seeing them, and the distance they have placed between themselves and God, hurts me. And it is what hit me. I care so much about these people. I am so sorry that they are hurting. I am so sad that they are lost. And it is so real to me this time. This darkness that they are in has never been so obvious to me, and it has never bothered me so much. And it makes me wonder, doesn't it bother anyone else?

And this is how God worked in me tonight. First, I had to turn to Him with this aching, because He is the one who hurts even more than I. And because of my coming to Him, feelin weak and empty, I was able to be thankful for the fact that I can and do even still come to Him, because my friends dont. I am soooo thankful that God has made His peace so real to me! I am comforted by His Love and know that I have an eternity to look forward to Him guarding over me. I need thi security. Also, because of all this, it has shown me that I cant try to balance Life and God seperately. What God spoke to me tonight was to BE STILL. He wants me to just stop. To rest, to be still. I have been busying myself with avoiding Him. I have been worrying about my friends, I have been thinking about soooo many things. When all He wants, and all that matters, is that I BE STILL. I can be still and know that He is God. He came to earth so that I may be able to have peace, and be still, standing in His light. The light Christ brought to earth.

I just thought that was such a perfect thing to be reminded of so close to Christmas. We get so busy, wrapped up in other thoughts and worries. But if I would just take the time and Be Still, to bask in the warmth He provides in the cold of the winter, none of these other thoughts or things that don't really matter, wouldn't.

So In my stillness, it is my hope, that the light of God would gently break over me, and I would experience Christ, in my life. His light shining in and through me, that I may know TRUE Joy and Peace this Christmas, and for the rest of me life.

I am so thankful to God for all that He has done for me. I need to work on optimism, which I think affects and is affected by my Thankfulness.

relaxing with out relaxing.

So I've thought of two ways to relax without relaxing, and lately I'm experiencing one way when I want to be experiencing the other. See one way comes when you are relaxing and you don't want to be. Physically your forced to relax, in my case because I have nothing better to do. But really you aren't relaxed; emotionally, mentally or maybe even spiritually. I will have finally have time to just sit and do nothing or sit and relax and I won't be relaxed because my mind is elsewhere or I'm anxious or there's things left undone. It's like it takes work to relax.

And then there's the kind where you are relaxed but your not relaxing. That is my favorite, and that is what I want. Especially in the upcoming days, when summer is coming to an end. I want to be busy and have things to do, but I want to be relaxed also. Just be having fun and be okay with everything because I'm relaxed and on vacation but active at the same time.

Well this is enough about those random rambles and thoughts, I guess in conclusion to those thoughts I would have to say that I want to get things done, pray about more things and figure out how to make it so I can feel relaxed more often while still being active.

On a side note, today I was walking home from Giant Eagle through the park and as I was carrying my bag of groceries that I didn't really need, at all, I saw the line of men who stand outside light of life every evening around this time. I'm not sure what they're doing. I feel like they might be getting dinner because its always around dinner time that thy gather. I felt really guilty. I just began thinking about how much I take advantage of what I have without being thankful for or being conscious of how much I really do have. I felt terrible for going and getting groceries that I didn't really need with money I really shouldn't have spent.
I need to work on that also.

I'm very excited to see Kevin in like 3 days. I feel like it might be awkward. It probably won't be but I guess it depends on how I react and how things go, I really don't want to worry about it right now though.

this is all for now. im exhausted. peace out

dirty feet.

Right now I am sitting on a futon which is becoming my bed for the next week and a half. My feet are really dirty, my hair is gross and in a bandanna, i have hemp bracelets on, a shirt that was my sisters and kevins sweatpants that were too small for him. I find this kind of funny. I feel like a hippie, mostly because of the lack of showering and hair do. Lately though, my life has been pretty... simple? I really dont do much and kind of have no choice but to be laid back and go with the flow. Some of which I'm happy about and some of which makes me really sad and irritated. Some things that irritate me are the weird noises coming from outside, (no idea what it is), the fact that a girl from our staff just randomly moved in to our house. Meghans lease is up the the end of this week and we're all moving out in two weeks. Why it was neccesary to move her in now, and boot me out of my bed is beyond me. It really kinda pisses me off but I know I would be helping no one by doing anything about it so for right now I am suckng it up and dealing, while having a bad attitude about it and really struggling with being nice to this girl. I know I am having major run on disfunctional sentences right now... oh well. Also, my boyfriend really hardly ever calls me. I really want to stop caring, because that would just work out better. But for some reaosn I cant seem to stop or just when I do he decides act like a boyfriend again. I hate this a lot because I love and care about him so much, i hate being upset with him and I really dont want to be, but its very hard. I've been kinda sad today, I have this whole situation with the new roommate, and I miss my family, and he's not sensitive to it and/or doesnt care so hes not even here or available to talk to about it. Which is probably why I've resorted to wirting on here.
There really seems to be a shortage of people to talk to these days. I feel like a few many people feel like this and that would probably explain the increase in people going to see counselors. Not saying this is wrong at all, I just think people want someone to talk to. I kind of think its sad that, we now have to pay people to let us talk to them rather than having enough community with and care for one another to be available to talk. I'm probably being hypocritcal writing this, I'm gonna make more of an effort to be available for others to talk to. I'm really mad at myself right now because I have been neglecting time spent with God. It seems I'm always so tired, or there arent the right "enviroments" but its really important because its really what I need in order to make myself feel like these days are worth going through.
man this sounds depressing. but really, its just reality. sorry.

ok well im gonna go cause im really tired and this update is stupid.

self realizations.

I am coming to realizations about myself. It kind of weird because you'd think you know yourself pretty well... but I'm just starting to learn some things.

I've noticed more this summer my distrust in others.

I'm learning that there is a lot more has happened in my past than I've ever admitted.
I'm affected by a lot more things than I realize and/or confess to. I'm seeing, and I dont think I can even fully see, the things that have made me think, feel, and act the way I do now.

Because of unforgiveness I can be scared, bitter, anxious and emotional.
Because of regret I will feel sad.

Because of low self esteem or little self confidence I can sometimes be jealous, stressed and fearful.

And I learned something new today. I always thought that the verse in 1 John (I think) that says "perfect love drives out fear." meant that when we love others we can love them so much they are no longer so fearful or hurting. But I'm realizing that can apply to myself also. When I love myself I can ease my fears. When I have confidence in who I am in Christ, I am so much more capable of the things He has called me to be. First I have to be comfortable in my own skin.

sometimes I think thats the hardest thing.

So anyways, I just came to many of these realizations. And I want to think about them more. I want to come to terms with a a lot of things, resolve the past so I may feel refreshed and whole.

I am just so tired and I feel that way most of the time. I feel that partially it is because of stress and anxiety. I don't want it to be this way, and neither does Jesus.

hopefully this is the first of more frequent updates!

Kevin and I have been together, officially five months, today! Really we've been practically dating for more like, 9 months, but... we're not counting that. It's really kind of odd though because I have not seen him for almost two months. Its crazy how much fonder (it really is a good word to describe what it is I'm trying to say) I have grown of him since we've been apart. There are plenty of times that I get upset, usually because we don't get to talk all that often, but I still have to say that I am so happy with where we are, and where he is. He has grown ssooo much this summer. Honestly, it puts me to shame. I want both of us to grow so much. I want us to be our own person who has been created in the image of God with a divine purpose and plan from God, well I mean obviously we both are those things, but I want each of us to embrace that. To live like that, to live for the best that God has for us and not to hinder or sway one another with our stupid humanness. Often when I wonder if this is truely what God wants, if we are doing the right thing by being together and being committed to eachother, I look back at so many mistakes we've made as individuals and together, and wonder, how could it? I have been a terrible person. I have made so many stupid choices and acted in such terrible ways, and so many times Kevin has witnessed it or been a part of it. He knows so much about me and seen the ugly and bad. It really makes me wonder how we are still together sometimes. In some ways it makes me think wow, are we just that stupid that we overlook these things and continue ignorantly? And in other ways it makes me think, wow, this is a picture of our brokeness and God's grace. That we can have grace for eacother and that God can still have grace for us to have blessed us and still keep us together. I still question what God's will is. But I am also peaceful about it because truely want to do things better. I am more aware and conciencous because of how intimacy with another person makes your faults to much more obvious, and I really really want to do better. Those words sound so lame. And I know that it takes humility. It takes dying to myself and my wants and chasing after Christ's who's work is done by and through the Holy Spirit and is always in service and love for another.

I have been very retrospective lately, I've just been thinking about where I am now, and why or how I got here. I've kind of been upset with myself because things seem really hard for me lately, but I think its because of my perception. I have been struggling spiritually, I have not been as close to God as I have been in the past. I think its because all the things I'm seeing and have seen are making me bitter some how. I dont want to be bitter, and I mean I'm not terribly bitter or hardened. But its just like.. I used to have this very like, passionate relationship with God. and I had a passion for what He wanted and reaching out to people. But since I've gone to college it seems that yes, I have fallen even more in love with Him, I have had moments where I am just astonished by Him, but it is not a daily thing. It is not as passionate. And I think it is because of doubt caused ny feelings of hopelessness. My faith has been shaken. Because before I was in more of a bubble. I knew of things going on outside of it. But I had so much joy inside of it and I saw so many oppurtunites for change that it didnt affect me as much. Now though, I guess after being exposed, going on missions trips, seeing many close friends falter, and living in the city this sumer, I guess I have just lost some hope.

I have put myself in a place hoping that being here I could make a difference and see some light amongst darkness, but instead I have not seen much hope or light and instead of acting on faith and continuing, I am letting myself get dragged down and become complacent with the way things are. Which is never ever good. Complacency is the worst. I truely believe this is a very spiritual problem. I feel that is possible that I have sort of built this wall, because of being ashamed and unbelieving I have put this wall up between me and God. not a big one. but either way an obstacle is prevent me from recieving the fullness of God and His Spirit. My pride needs to be broken, I need to let go of guilt and feel very unworthy but Loved. I need to take hold of God's promises and claim His grace for myself. I know this is what I need. It is the fear of the fight ahead that prevents me from continuing this journey onward.

"Many christians, unfortunately, settle for the easy road. They choose the acceptable over the exceptional, the paved highway over the rugged trail. However, those who choose the way of excellence experience the greatest views and the most memorable journey." - John C. Maxwell

'He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?"
- Micah 6:8

On a lighter note, my sister is coming to visit me today. I need to get a shower and go to the bank before she comes. She is taking a bus downtown and I am meeting her there. So I must get a move on with my day!

This was a much needed entry. I need to write more.

Please God.

So i know this is sort of asking another question.. which i stated in my last post is something I'm doing a lot of lately..

But really, God, why am I here?

I mean here.. at Waynesburg, with these people, at this time?

Because sometimes, I really really dont like it.

Please show me your will Lord.

Amen.

why?

I've been asking a lot of questions lately. Of myself. Of God. Of others.
It frustrates me. Seems like theres not straight answers.
It seems that I shouldnt even be asking these questions.
I shouldn't worry about it. I shouldnt analyze it. It shouldnt be consuming my time.
but it is.
this is why I'm a terrible student.
Because I let my mind be consumed with just about EVERYTHING else, other than academics.
I'm sick of it. I'm so mad at myself. I hate these times in my life.
I feel like I need a therapist.
I feel like I'm not healthy enough to have a boyfriend right now and he shouldnt keep trying to be my therapist.
Ok. this blog is getting to personal and makes me sound like I'm crazy.
I'm really not.
I'm just going through an unneccesary rough time.

I need to remember to pray the prayer of serenity more.

I dont have time to cry or write more.
I have to much to do.
I have to go write a stats paper.

Peace.