I dont know if i can do this.

Do you ever think A LOT. all at once?

it makes you feel like your crazy. like literally, insane.

it sucks. I feel like the value of having balance in your life is so important.

why do i let really little things bother me? and then let big things go?

I dont think about them. i supress them. and the little things..

i think about. i stress over. its stupid.

this is where balance needs to be met. along with many other places.

late at night is when i think. i think thats why i need to start going to bed earlier.

see what happens...

It's 4:30 in the morning. I am really not sure why I am still awake. I have not been this stupid about staying up since freshman year. I do actually know why I am awake though, but i cant admit it on the internet.

this week was pretty bad. ive been really self conscience lately and having a low self esteem. which hits me in spurts and its been like that my whole life really. sometimes it stays for longer periods than others. and usually theres reasons for that. i know why i am right now. and it sucks really bad. i dont want to talk about it though.

i am sort of excited about thanksgiving break. i will be more excited if i actually make break productive like i want it to be. I have been on this kick lately where i really cant stand not being productive.

right now im listening to dan and kevin play ping pong. this is after i shared with them that i think there desire to play ping pong comes from sexual frustration. and over course this was not taken well and was very over analyzed and made for awkward conversation. which annoyed me a lot. somehow i always get myself in those situations. never the less, those two are my best friends here at school. so i appreciate them and im going to really miss them over thanskgiving break. this has to do with why i am up as late as i am.

the funny thought i just had is that if it werent for me being up they probably wouldnt be hanging out with eachother right now. i get no appreciation for the hospitality i bring. lol.

i was really proud of myself today because i managed to write a reflection, watch some of a steeler game, meet up with lisa, finish a paper (meaning adding another page to it!) and write a three and half page paper all in about 2 hours. i was really relieved by it and happy.

i ate my last junk food item today until the new year, except for the actual thanksgiving day, my birthday and christmas day and new years eve. other than that no junk food until january 2nd. hopefully this actually goes well.

i plan on exercising a lot over thanksgiving break. hopefully i can convince my sister to do it with me. and maybe my mom. the latter is very doubtful.

i am actually not as excited to be going home as i feel i should be. i dont really have a desire to try to have fun and be with my friends. i think this is a common sign of depression. so i hope im not getting depressed. haha.

im really tired of always learning writing and reading about the SAME THING in all my classes. like seriously.. i have three classes where were always talking about really similiar things. and its getting tiring.

I have a history test to take tomorow because i didnt take it today wen i was suppose to.
i hope im not signed up to work 10,000 villages tomorow.
that would suck very badly because im suppose to go out to chinese with dan and shane and maybe kevin i guess.

my dad is coming to get me at like 3 30.
then wen i get home some of my friends want me to go ice skating with them and see twilight. then sleep over my friends house. i really am not feelin this so i mite back out. i feel really bad tho. they really want me to go. but i think il be too tired to be really any fun anyways.

ok well im super tired and i want to go to bed. and im really cold. i dont think i can go to bed now and get out by ten tho. i have to.

i wanted to stay up to visit with kevin tho. and hes playing ping pong. so i dont want to leave until my goal is accomplished.. that probably wont happen tho. so im just setting myself up for failure i guess. and now you know why im up as late as i am. so yeah. if you know me and your a girl.. you get this.