serenity.

I feel like things are changing.

im getting older.

im almost 20. THIS IS CRAZY!

but you know what, its ok. im ok with it.
I know that God has me here at this time, this age, this body, these experiences all for a reason. and i need to live with the knowledge of that. For once, im actually EXCITED about getting older. i mean in some ways im not, just because sometimes i don't like the idea of growing up. But id say my general concensus is that im not anxious or overwhelmed with anxiety about change and getting older like i usually am.

There are so many things im unsure of. So many things that i have no idea whats gonna happen... im keeping a really open mind and just trying to be happy and proud of the fact that my life is up in the air right now!

i dont know where relationships are going..
i dont kow what God wants me to do with my life...
i dont know what il be doing this wk end..
i dont know if im going to pass all my classes...

but i do know that God is soverign. he has amazing abunding grace that has humbled me enough to say that i am completely given up to him.

All i know is i will be striving to die daily in order that Christ may work through me by the work and control of the Holy Spirit.

i sort of feel like a hypocrite saying that. because its hard and often i dont actually do it.
but im trying.

is that enough? idk.

but atleast i can say I DONT KNOW!

it reminds me of the prayer of serenity,

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

In loving memory of
Fr Bertram Griffin -- 1932-2000
Requiescat in Pace

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

PEACE OUT!

I dont know if i can do this.

Do you ever think A LOT. all at once?

it makes you feel like your crazy. like literally, insane.

it sucks. I feel like the value of having balance in your life is so important.

why do i let really little things bother me? and then let big things go?

I dont think about them. i supress them. and the little things..

i think about. i stress over. its stupid.

this is where balance needs to be met. along with many other places.

late at night is when i think. i think thats why i need to start going to bed earlier.

see what happens...

It's 4:30 in the morning. I am really not sure why I am still awake. I have not been this stupid about staying up since freshman year. I do actually know why I am awake though, but i cant admit it on the internet.

this week was pretty bad. ive been really self conscience lately and having a low self esteem. which hits me in spurts and its been like that my whole life really. sometimes it stays for longer periods than others. and usually theres reasons for that. i know why i am right now. and it sucks really bad. i dont want to talk about it though.

i am sort of excited about thanksgiving break. i will be more excited if i actually make break productive like i want it to be. I have been on this kick lately where i really cant stand not being productive.

right now im listening to dan and kevin play ping pong. this is after i shared with them that i think there desire to play ping pong comes from sexual frustration. and over course this was not taken well and was very over analyzed and made for awkward conversation. which annoyed me a lot. somehow i always get myself in those situations. never the less, those two are my best friends here at school. so i appreciate them and im going to really miss them over thanskgiving break. this has to do with why i am up as late as i am.

the funny thought i just had is that if it werent for me being up they probably wouldnt be hanging out with eachother right now. i get no appreciation for the hospitality i bring. lol.

i was really proud of myself today because i managed to write a reflection, watch some of a steeler game, meet up with lisa, finish a paper (meaning adding another page to it!) and write a three and half page paper all in about 2 hours. i was really relieved by it and happy.

i ate my last junk food item today until the new year, except for the actual thanksgiving day, my birthday and christmas day and new years eve. other than that no junk food until january 2nd. hopefully this actually goes well.

i plan on exercising a lot over thanksgiving break. hopefully i can convince my sister to do it with me. and maybe my mom. the latter is very doubtful.

i am actually not as excited to be going home as i feel i should be. i dont really have a desire to try to have fun and be with my friends. i think this is a common sign of depression. so i hope im not getting depressed. haha.

im really tired of always learning writing and reading about the SAME THING in all my classes. like seriously.. i have three classes where were always talking about really similiar things. and its getting tiring.

I have a history test to take tomorow because i didnt take it today wen i was suppose to.
i hope im not signed up to work 10,000 villages tomorow.
that would suck very badly because im suppose to go out to chinese with dan and shane and maybe kevin i guess.

my dad is coming to get me at like 3 30.
then wen i get home some of my friends want me to go ice skating with them and see twilight. then sleep over my friends house. i really am not feelin this so i mite back out. i feel really bad tho. they really want me to go. but i think il be too tired to be really any fun anyways.

ok well im super tired and i want to go to bed. and im really cold. i dont think i can go to bed now and get out by ten tho. i have to.

i wanted to stay up to visit with kevin tho. and hes playing ping pong. so i dont want to leave until my goal is accomplished.. that probably wont happen tho. so im just setting myself up for failure i guess. and now you know why im up as late as i am. so yeah. if you know me and your a girl.. you get this.

MIDTERMS ALREADY?!

So, a new year has been well on its way for quite awhile and its going super fast.
I just can not believe how fast time travels, and how quickly I go with it.

I just don't know what to think right now. I can't keep up with things. lol.

school work is going good so far but i dont want to say that for fear of whats to come.
i havent been slacking as much as i did last year. but thats to still say I AM FAR from where I should be in terms of being a good student. I know i need to do better. I mean i am here to get an education and learn and prepare myself for the real world. But i just cant help myself. I love having fun. i love socializing. I hate being too serious and i feel like school just makes you think way too much. lol.

then theres the fact that i miss my family and friends from home sooo much.
if i wouldnt have gone home this wk end it would have been almost two months since i had been home. Thats always wen i start missing people. two months. lol.
and even thought i went home this wk ed i still miss them. i need more time.
this is why i am anxious for thanksgiving break. 10 days! yeah baby.

then theres my friends. i am not totally sure why they are anymore.
well actually i know who i count as a friend. maybe theres a couple im unsure how i feel about.
but mostly i dont know who counts me as friends. Iv have had a bad time this year where i just dont feel like putting forth effort to form relationships. really, its weird. I just wish we could be good friends right away so i wouldnt have to go through the hassle of getting to know someone.
im sick of it. And i dont have a solid group of friends. im still hopping around as usual. and all my close friends hang out with different people. which can sometimes make for awkward situations.

I still have miy solid late night friends. but stover isnt very populous yet.
finals will change that. and hopefully i will make new friends.
me and lisa became friends during finals.
and shes now one of my only 5 close grl friends at school!

speaking of relationships...
nah. i dont want to cover that topic right now.
another blog for another time.

well anyways, its late. im tired. and iv been completely uninteresting.

peace.

First Entry

I am very confused as to how to operate this blog well.

and i dont have very much patience for learning these things on my own.

oh well. Over time i am sure i will figure it out!